You’re telling me it’s not an uplifting story! by Froderick Frankenstien from Fresno

Frankie Bow made some excellent points in her post on June 26. As you, Gentle Readers, no doubt know, I do plenty of complaining about my university. Nevertheless, here in glorious socialist state of California, I am glad my university has campus child-care programs. Since they were founded in 2011, I've never had a student bring a child under 12 to class. I used to allow this anyway, since how could I possibly not? Many of my students struggle so, economically.

Still, one aspect of being a half-crazed (OK, fully crazed) mad scientist is that no one expects me to take care of their kids. Indeed, once parents get done asking about whether I can give their kids free tutoring so they can score higher on the AP exams or have research jobs in my lab, they don’t appear to like me to get closer than 3 meters. Suits me fine. Other jobs that university administrators often enjoy having faculty do even though they really shouldn’t be faculty responsibilities include physician, psychiatrist (including psychologist, counselor, or therapist), special-ed teacher, immigration officer, police officer, and 24/7 tech consultant. Considerations about each include:

Physician: I had a student ask me if he could remove an article of clothing, so I could see why he didn’t do his homework, I told him STOP: I don’t want to see it. I don’t have a medical degree, and I’m not qualified to diagnose or treat any ailment. I told him he should go to the campus health center, and get a physician’s note, a copy of which I may keep to prevent me from being accused of being unfair, since what he was really requesting was for me to make an exception for him that other students may not have.

Psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, or therapist: Again, I refer any students who want, or mention the need for, these services to the campus health center. I don’t need to know the precise nature of what’s causing issues for them. All I need to know is that a qualified professional will certify that it’s sufficiently significant to merit being excused from class work.

Special-ed teacher: I have no training in this whatsoever. Often, I am not even briefed that I will be expected to function in this way. I particularly hate it whenever someone from the disability office thoughtlessly yells at me “Provide accommodation!” even though they won’t even tell me what the nature of the accommodation needs to be.

Immigration officer: My university has large populations of immigrant and international students. Many of them are very anxious about recent changes, and threats of changes, to government policy about immigration. Our university president was raised locally, is of Mexican-American ancestry, and was a first-generation college student. He has made it loud and clear that it is not the faculty’s job to be immigration officers. Suits me fine.

Police officer: How the hell should I know what to do about an active shooter, aside from RUN! Good thing they won’t allow me to carry a firearm to return fire.

24/7 tech consultant: Every time a new piece of technology for education is foisted upon us faculty, using it as part of any class instantly transforms our so-called “tech-savvy, digital native” students into all-thumbs Luddites. Since much of this technology is rubbish anyway, I find it’s usually best to avoid new technology, unless it’s actually useful for education.

P.S. I just got finished reading "The Case of the Defunct Adjunct," by Frankie Bow. Great job, Frankie!

—-Froderick Frankenstien from Fresno