In Which Bella Submits an Update, and Contemplates Empathy

Hello to my friends in the pasture!  This past February, I shared with you all my darling Boy's troubles, and I wanted to update you, as so many of you were kind and sympathetic and caring.

First, let me say that I am in no way sure of anything.  This latest experience in parenting has taught me, more than any other, that I know nothing with any certainty.  But here is my update, interspersed with some thoughts about empathy (and surety).  I feel it in my mind as a list, and who am I to go against a gut feeling. So here goes:

• 1.  My boy has gone through ups and downs.  He ended up having to withdraw from all his classes, but since we waited so long to do it he had failed all his classes. No hope for the W.  My son is a convincing liar---it is a "gift" if you can call such a thing that.  He had us convinced he was doing better, and as such, his final decline before he finally came home resulted in a last, desperate suicidal call to me and admit all to me (and then kill himself---which he did not do, and maybe never really intended to, but he thought he would).  I love my kid, with my whole life's force----but I wished, sometimes this past year, he would sometimes reach out to his Dad?  Haha (a little humor never hurts, right?).  What a painful, painful thing, to go through a call like that with him once again.  This time he called just as I was getting on the highway to go home, in horrible traffic, having left late.  He had told me he was doing better. I had spent Spring Break and the following week with him, helping him complete his work, talking to him, planning with him.  But it did not work---and he was in despair, having to tell me this.  Poor, poor boy.  So, we talked through the rush hour traffic, he did not kill himself, and I bought a ticket to bring him home in late April.
• 2.  As we had had him committed (twice), and as he had been (finally) seeing both a therapist and a psychologist, it was suggested we apply for a Medical Withdrawal.  Before he left for home, he did so.  And the secretary in the office where such things are filed sneered at him.  Told him that he could not expect to just blow off his classes and get them paid for.  Told him that students who deserved to fail should and would just fail.  When he called me (during class----I was in a state and had my phone on and took the call, having a standby plan in place just in case) to tell me this, I told him 'Don't worry honey bun!  It's just a Hail Mary pass anyway---who cares' and he seemed to feel better.  And I seethed, just seethed, at that secretary!  Who the fucking hell was she?  And then, almost simultaneously, I thought---she's just a person who's seen a lot of shysters.  I do think she should be fired (at best) but I also worry that I have been guilty, never of actually saying such things, that much I know, but of allowing my feelings to show if I have judged a student without  being able to guess what they have been going through.
• 3.  The Boy came home, and went right into an OIP (Outpatient Intensive Therapy Program).  I tell ya, I feel convinced we all could benefit from some OIP!  I took the Boy for a trial run the day before, showing him where to go and where to park and who to talk to.  He was intimidated by how the other patients looked, but after he started we all could tell it was the right thing and the right place for him.
• 4.  The Boy graduated from his OIP, and is now seeing a therapist thrice weekly and a shrink once monthly, and he is doing So. Much. Better.
• 5.  He got his Medical Withdrawal!  And that means we got a check in the mail for the total of his tuition!  How crow, was I surprised and grateful.  As it turns out, in order to get that lifted (the Medical Hold that goes into place once a student has been granted a Medical Withdrawal) you need a ton of testimonials from a ton of medical and mental health professionals, and that has kept the Boy moving and participating and going (he really does want to go back---to be successful there).  But also it has been helpful----the U has a great plan and a great and thoughtful idea for what a person needs in order to "get better" (at least to start to get better).  So we are still working on that, but it looks good.

So there is my list.  Among many other things (obviously) this whole experience has made me think about assumptions, and empathy, and surety.  Like this:

• 1.  I would never, ever have thought one of my kids would end up failing all their classes.  Never.  And it happened.  And on the other side of it, it is not so horrible, and I can see it as just something that can happen.  Yes, we did get the Medical Withdrawal---but he also failed some classes in his first semester, and I'd never have seen that coming, either.  Some things you cannot see coming, and nothing is ever off the table in life.
• 2. I've had so many students over the years struggle, and fail, and even fail all their classes. And maybe not have a support system in place that was working fast enough to get them into a situation where they could even begin to apply for or qualify for a Medical Withdrawal.  I've tried to help them.  I've (in spite of some of my old posts were I laid in on thick---I swear that was [mostly] just hyperbole) not judged them and treated them with respect.  But have I? In my very assumption that this was something that happened to other people---- I think I did, in some way. I regret that deeply.
• 3.  I remain angry at the secretary, but I still take it as an abject lesson for myself---NEVER judge a student.  Even if they fit a thousand profiles you've seen before.  We simply do not know what other people are going through, ever.  I never acted like that, but I know those thoughts have gone through my head.  Shame on me.  Who am I and what do I know about another person?
• 4.  Thank heavens for health insurance!  Mental health coverage!  Where would we be without it?  Oh---we'd have gotten the Boy help, but it would have been  a LOT harder!  And not everyone could have helped their kid if they had no help!
• ​5.  And I thank everyone who shared that they, too, had gone through a mental health crisis.  So many people shared this with me.  It meant so much.  We all need to tell our stories.  As a society, we need to make mental health problems just ordinary health problems.  The stigma needs to go----I want to work to make this happen.  Feeling comfortable enough to seek mental health care can save your life.  Not feeling comfortable enough to admit he needed it almost cost my son his life.  Somehow, things need to change.

Once again, thank you to all of you who shared your concern and your own stories and comfort.  This is a wonderful community.

--Bella