Commercialism. [from Southern Bubba, Ph.D.]

It's early Wednesday morning and I'm drunk now, so what do I know?  But a friend of mine at a nearby college asked me to informally observe one of his classes a few days ago and "grill" him about how he does things.  He wanted candid feedback from a trusted friend, not the official, useless bureaucratic shit from his supervisor.  So I sat in on one of his classes and then also picked his brain about how he runs the class and interacts with the students.  He's my friend and he was flexible and so I found it to be kind of fun.  He bought me lunch.  Fuck it, you know?

There were a number of issues.  Infinite stuff, both good and bad.  But this one thing sticks in my craw: the fucking commercialism.

Every goddamn powerpoint slide had some stylized trademark on it from a company (imagine that it was Pearson or Cengage or B&N Education or whatever).  Every slide.  I asked him later if the students were seeing these logos the entire semester, and he said they were.

The cherry on top is this question from a quiz the students took:

WTF.

The commercialism was oppressive.  I could not have answered this quiz question correctly.   It was a stupid question.  It might as well have been, "When is it a good idea to drink Coca-Cola or rent a car from Hertz?"

Why is a college forcing its students to answer questions like this?  And then grading them based on whether or not they got the answer "right" or "wrong"?

When is it a good idea to use Google when writing a paper?  How about "NEVER"?  I prefer other search engines that prioritize privacy and use different algorithms.

And what about the fucking pursuit of truth?  Do we really need stockholders looking over our shoulders in the classroom, making sure that we push their products on our students the same way the football team pushes Nike or Adidas?

Is it all just about money?

Can higher education not be a public good at all?

Fuck it.

--Southern Bubba, Ph.D.

Monday Magic in November

What's your favorite thing about college?  

Thanksgiving Meals

Transgender Day of Remembrance at Arizona State University

On Transgender Day of Remembrance, the Rainbow Community at Arizona State University hosted a visual commemoration of the 22 people worldwide who have lost their lives due to transphobic violence.

Now that Thanksgiving is Nearly Upon Us, by Froderick Frankenstien from Fresno

Now that Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, it’s good to think about explaining to non-academic relatives what we do. Ever notice how, after your second year of grad school, they start asking, “Are you STILL in grad school?”

Even then, most relatives will think it takes only four years after your bachelors to get a Ph.D. That’s what they read in their 1968 World Book Encyclopedia, after all, and it’s still on the shelf. They will wonder, often aloud, what’s wrong with you if it takes longer.

They may not wonder this as much if your work takes you around the world. During my grad student and postdoc years my relatives invariably said, “Oooo!” whenever I did field work in Chile and Australia. They also said, “Oooo!” when I went to conferences in Venice and Oxford. The more remote and exotic the locales for field work, the better. Hawai’i is perfect. The more civilized and sophisticated the locales for conferences, the better. Schenectady does not cut it.

Going to Washington, DC will make them wonder whether you’ll be advising the White House or Congress. They’ll like that, no matter who’s occupying them. Telling them that you’re going to NASA or NSF headquarters will be just as good. Don’t point out how badly funded they are. Don’t point out how squalid DC is. The more colorful your stories about the Atacama Desert or the Outback, however, the better.

Don't tell them how bad the academic job market is, or how rare permanent jobs have become. It won't gain you sympathy. The new economy has made “real” jobs of all kinds rare, inside and outside of academia. Never use the word “grant.” In their minds, that’s for entitled freeloaders.

Never say, “postdoc.” Relatives don’t know what that is, and don’t respond well to it. They think that once you finish your Ph.D. you’ll immediately become a professor. That’s the way it did work before 1969. Tell them you’re a research scientist: that sounds like a real job to them. Never grumble about the lousy funding situation. If you do, they’ll remind you that they pay enough tax dollars already.

Never say, “Visiting Assistant Professor.” Tell them you’re teaching. Surprisingly often, whenever relatives ask what you’re doing, they will regard your answer of “teaching” as a satisfactory answer. That is a real job, isn’t it? If you have any K-12 teachers in the family, it will make them very happy. It helps if at least one of your courses is something practical, such as physics to engineers so bridges won’t fall down, or electricity.

Once you have your Ph.D., relatives will volunteer you to pop over to their kids’ schools to give talks. I’ve learned a lot from this. This Thanksgiving, I will diplomatically try to avoid it, since during the day after a California-to-New York overnight flight, I’m not looking or feeling my best.

You gain a lot of credibility if, as an academic, you can still do something practical, such as fix a relative’s computer or car. NOTHING beats bringing home a charming, intelligent significant other. I told everyone she was the finest mathematician I’d ever seen, because it was true. It was suggested that she help the kids with their arithmetic homework, but mercifully the kids were having none of it. If Mom tries to convert her to Christianity, change the subject.

--Froderick Frankenstien from Fresno

Rising number of college students report mental health condition [UMN News]

The flava:
The number of students coming to college with a mental health condition continues to increase, with nearly half of all female students reporting a diagnosis in their lifetime. The 2018 College Student Health Survey of University of Minnesota Twin Cities (UMTC) students found a 29 percent increase in mental health conditions among students since 2015.

The article:
https://twin-cities.umn.edu/news-events/rising-number-college-students-report-mental-health-condition

Moriarty from Midland's Dean says, "I'll get back to you."

I reported some disturbing news to my dean this morning, appealing for a quick and ethical resolution.

"I'll get back to you," replied my dean to me.

I'm not holding my breath.

--Moriarty from Midland

Duke University to settle case alleging researchers used fraudulent data to win millions in grants [sciencemag.org]

The flava:
Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, is on the verge of settling a case brought by a former employee who claims the university included faked data in applications and reports for federal grants worth nearly $200 million.

According to court documents filed last week in the Middle District of North Carolina in Greensboro, former Duke biologist Joseph Thomas, who sued the university in 2015 under a federal law that allows whistleblowers to receive as much as 30% of any payout, is waiting for the U.S. Department of Justice to approve the settlement. Thomas brought his case under the federal False Claims Act (FCA), which could force Duke to return to the government up to three times the amount of any ill-gotten funds.

The article:
https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/11/duke-university-settle-case-alleging-researchers-used-fraudulent-data-win-millions

Michael Bloomberg: Why I’m Giving $1.8 Billion for College Financial Aid [nytimes]

"I am donating an additional $1.8 billion to Hopkins that will be used for financial aid for qualified low- and middle-income students.  This will make admissions at Hopkins forever need-blind; finances will never again factor into decisions."

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/18/opinion/bloomberg-college-donation-financial-aid.html

:)

There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.